Mammograms, Colonoscopies and LifeLine Scans…Oh My

There have been a few moments in my life that stand out as bonafide “grown-up moments”. Case in point…when I scheduled (because yes, making the appointment was cause for a nice pat on the back) and then actually showed up for my first mammogram. That was a biggie.

Second on the big-girl list…getting a passport. I felt like I no longer had to pretend that I could hop a plane to Paris at the drop of a hat. I could really do it! Well, sort of. I mean, if it weren’t for that pesky issue of money. I still haven’t mastered that grown-up feeling of having discretionary income. 😒 And I don’t see it happening anytime soon. Unless that damn lottery win ever comes through. But, just knowing I have a passport, though, makes Paris a thing that COULD happen. 

Next on the list was definitely a milestone event: my first colonoscopy, which I was so excited about it that I told just about everyone who had the misfortune of coming in contact with me. And I mean everyone. For probably about a week. Maybe a little longer…😬 I’m still getting weird looks from the guys at Jiffy Lube. But, yeah that was a big step toward full-blown adulthood in my mind. And guess what? I’m now a member of that very exclusive “every-three-years colonoscopy” club. So…😎

And my most recent “moment” occurred earlier today. I had been thinking for the LONGEST time about getting one of those scans that check for arterial plaque build-up, atrial fibrillation, and diabetes, among other various medical calamities after hearing too many stories from friends about strokes, aneurysms, and frightening close calls. I’m embarrassed about the number of YEARS it took me to make that appointment. So, I have to admit, I was feeling pret-tay proud of myself after setting up that appointment and was actually looking forward to it. Well, looking forward to good results, that is. But even if they’re not, at least I’ll be able to take measures to address any problem, right? Wow, that was a very grown-up thing to say.

So, for those of you females out there who may be considering this, FYI…you might want to shave your legs (or at least one of them) beforehand because I was not expecting to have to pull my pant leg up over my knee and was a little embarrassed to do so. I mean, I live in Chicago and I’m still recovering from a couple recent nasty snowstorms – so you know what I’m sayin’. It ain’t exactly shorts and sandals season.

All in all, the whole experience was easy-peasy and would definitely recommend it. But, I was a little disconcerted when, following my last test, the medical assistant announced that I was all done and I could expect my results in a couple of weeks and to have a nice day. A thoughtful pleasantry thrown in at the end, which was nice. But then I heard a neighboring medical assistant tell HER lady patient that she also was all done and would be getting results in a couple of weeks and that everything looked good. Wait…everything looked good?????? Why didn’t my gal say that??? Why was I told goodbye, have a nice day and nothing more?? I kept reassuring myself that these assistants are not the ones reading the scans and determining diagnoses and she was probably just being friendly but, DAAANG!

No matter, I’m feeling pretty good about finally making the appointment and getting it done. Next adult move…planning for retirement. Right now, it’s riding heavily (very heavily) on winning the lottery. I’ve crunched some numbers and, after figuring what I would do with my winnings (all good stuff, I assure you) and still have enough money left over to support my husband and me in our old age, I’ve concluded that I would need to walk away with 60 million dollars after taxes. Ballpark. I don’t know…somehow that doesn’t sound like a very grown-up plan, but so far, it’s the best I got. 😬

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