Tag Archives: humor

Mammograms, Colonoscopies and LifeLine Scans…Oh My

There have been a few moments in my life that stand out as bonafide “grown-up moments”. Case in point…when I scheduled (because yes, making the appointment was cause for a nice pat on the back) and then actually showed up for my first mammogram. That was a biggie.

Second on the big-girl list…getting a passport. I felt like I no longer had to pretend that I could hop a plane to Paris at the drop of a hat. I could really do it! Well, sort of. I mean, if it weren’t for that pesky issue of money. I still haven’t mastered that grown-up feeling of having discretionary income. 😒 And I don’t see it happening anytime soon. Unless that damn lottery win ever comes through. But, just knowing I have a passport, though, makes Paris a thing that COULD happen.  Continue reading

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Bank Math…

"I'm glad you came in. You're behind on your getaway car payments."

Before we get started…just to let you know, I’m all about the fabulousness of Direct Deposit. I have it. My husband doesn’t. So, now that we got that out of the way…

Why is it that when a check is deposited into my bank account, it’s not available to me for 24 hours? Not even 24 human hours. Twenty-four BUSINESS hours. So a check deposited on a Saturday is treated as though it’s been deposited on the following Monday, which means it won’t be available until that following Tuesday. FOUR days after the deposit. Okay, I get that they need to know the check is good. I understand that. But, DAMN. That’s NINETY-SIX HUMAN HOURS. And ya know who NEVER, EVER, E-VER waits a “business” day to withdraw money from my account???? Our mortgage company, that’s who. And our Parent Loan servicers (PLUS LOANS – straight from the Satan himself – but that’s a post for another day). And any other automatic payment I have set up. That money gets SUCKED out as soon as the clock strikes midnight on D-Day (Due Date). So then, on top of having a negative balance in my account, I have FINES to pay, all the while seeing that “Pending Deposit” just sitting there, DOING NOTHING. Just smirking, like…Oh, you thought you had those payments covered?? Gosh, you’re cute. Yeah, sorry about that (SOOOO not sorry)

lazy

 

And don’t even get me started on holiday hours…

I hate bank math. But I still love using capital letters. They really make a written rant so much more satisfying.

bill murray

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Forgive Me Hair Salon, For I Have Sinned…It’s Been A Loooong Time Since My Last Professional Haircut

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Okay people, here goes. I’m about to open up with a very personal and, yes embarrassing, confession. If you’re the squeamish type, now would be a good time to bow out. No one will judge you. Nay, I am the one in the judgment seat and I ask those of you still remaining, to please be kind. Continue reading

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Slan* Dear Pat ☘️

PAT WARD ADULT PICYesterday I attended the funeral mass for my cousin, Pat Ward. Many friends and family gathered at the magnificent St. Vincent DePaul Church in Chicago to pay our final respects to a guy whose mere presence could lift even the lowest of spirits. Pat’s family mirrored my own, with five boys and two girls and because he and I matched up in age, we became close cousin friends. That is, as best of friends as we could be, considering the distance that separated us. While my family lived in Chicago, the Wards lived in our state capital of Springfield, IL. Our mothers were sisters and they had still another sister and brother, whose families lived in Chicago, as well. Growing up, we were fortunate to have shared close bonds with our local cousins, but it was a special treat indeed when we’d all travel to Springfield or the Ward clan would take a road trip to see us.

Within the four families of cousins, age divisions were drawn to determine who matched up with whom. The agreed upon alliances looked something like this:

OLDER BOYS: John L,  John W,  Kevin T

OLDER GIRLS: Marcia L,  Pat L,  Nancy L,  Peggy W,  Denise W,  Mary Beth T

MIDDLE KIDS: Mike W,  John T,  Tom W,  Chuck L,  Kathy Q,  Dan T,  Tom T

BRINGING UP THE REAR: Pat W,  Dave W,  Donna L,  Tom Q,  Paul T,  Me…T  🙂

And for those of you counting, that’s 22 cousins. I know this because I had to count it out about five times to make sure I didn’t miss anyone.  And yes, a lot of Toms and Johns. These delineated groupings were pretty fluid, however, as cousins freely drifted in and out, depending on who was doing the coolest thing at the moment, probably.

The excitement felt when we all got together – WITH THE WARDS!!!! – was palpable. And as much fun as the entire Ward family was, including parents Uncle John and Aunt Roe, who were absolutely hilarious and always willing to share a good laugh, I always felt like I got pretty lucky landing in the same cousin group as Pat.

As kids, and even into college, he and I would write letters to each other – long letters sharing the goings on in our lives. Yes, we wrote hand-written letters! And OH! the excitement when a letter arrived in the mailbox. For you readers of a certain age, you may remember the old commercials on TV featuring Euell Gibbons touting the health benefits of Grape Nuts Cereal (which bore a most unappetizing resemblance to gravel). One of his lines absolutely cracked Pat and me up: “You ever eat a pine tree? Some parts ARE edible.” Every time we’d see each other, we’d say that line and laugh until our bellies hurt. And every letter ended with a PS: You ever eat a pine tree? Some parts ARE edible!! But my favorite part of his letters were the drawings he would always include. Pat LOVED the city of Chicago and was an amazing artist. Even as a kid, his drawings of the Chicago skyline were insanely impressive.

So after college, he followed several of his siblings to the big city and happily immersed himself in everything Chicago. He and his brother Tom lived life large as roommates on the city’s north side. In 2011, Pat suffered inconsolable heartbreak when his beloved brother, best friend and partner in crime, Tom, passed away unexpectedly. I don’t know if he ever really recovered from that devastating loss. Three years later in 2014, another blow hit the Wards when brother Mike, the gentle, soft-spoken sweetheart of the family, passed away. No one could believe it.

And now Pat. The news of his passing was beyond comprehension. As I try to wrap my mind around this most recent loss, I turn to the only thing that can offer any kind of consolation and hope that death is not the end: my faith. And though Pat will be missed, knowing that he is once again united with his brothers and parents, gives me peace. These beautiful words are ours by which to remember Pat:

AFTERGLOW

I’d like the memory of me

To Be a happy one

I’d like to leave an afterglow

Of smiles when life is done.

I’d like to leave an echo

Whispering softly down the ways,

Of happy times and laughing times

And bright and sunny days.

I’d like the tears of those who grieve,

To dry before the sun

Of happy memories that I leave behind

When life is done.

You have Pat. You have. Well done. Until we meet again, slan* dear Pat. ☘️💔☘️

*farewell

 

I wanted to share Pat’s artwork and humor.

PAT WARD SKYLINE

Besides his drawings, he was loved also for the silly “gift certificates” he’d present to family members on special occasions and I found this one particularly funny. Please be sure to read all of the restrictions placed on the “gift”!!! That was Pat all over.

PAT WARD GIFT CERTIFICATE

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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It’s The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

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It’s Back To School Time and you know what that means… Tons of tears, globs of used tissues tightly clenched in palms and lots and lots of legs dragging unwilling bodies from their cars. Yes, the wailing and gnashing of teeth can be heard across the globe as this universal scene plays out every year. You know what I’m talking about: parents sending their precious babies off to college.

Which brings me to this question…are you “that mom” who is already weepy thinking about the day your world will come crashing down when your toddler moves into his dorm room? Or are you a NORMAL person??? As the mother of four amazing, gifted, sensitive, brilliant, tall, and attractive offspring, all of whom had the audacity to continue their schooling in institutions of higher education, I say…OMG GET OVER IT PEOPLE!!!! This is a NORMAL part of life; a rite of passage which calls for dancing in the streets, not sappy stories about how you cried for five straight hours in the car on the way home. It means you did your job and now you can have a little bit of a life.

In case you’re not sure where I stand on this topic (or even if you might have an inkling), check out my short podcast episode. Seriously, it’s only, like, 15 minutes long or something. You can do it. I believe in you. Just click on the link below or click on the Podcast App on your smart phone, type in “Where Are My Glasses” in the search bar and BOOM! You’re there. Oh and don’t forget to subscribe. I will love you forever. And, no that’s not a weird thing to say.

PS: Confession: my kids are pretty cool, but I might have exaggerated a little – they’re not all tall…

http://www.wherearemyglassespodcast.com/?p=295

 

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Go To The Light…No, Wait, DON’T!!

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I don’t know…am I the only one who is a little worried that I won’t be able to trust myself to NOT look at the much-anticipated solar eclipse? All along, I’ve been reading on social media and listening on television and radio about making sure to have the correct kind of glasses for viewing and where they can be purchased. And all along, I’ve been thinking to myself, Oh yeah, those people had better make sure they have the right glasses, because we’ve been warned over and over for weeks now that the correct and safe eyewear for this event is a VERY special pair of glasses requiring some effort to obtain and that absolutely, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should we attempt to make our own viewing box with a pinhole through a shoebox. And also all along, I have been totally on board with all of the precautions because my whole life, I’ve been hit over the head with the warning about how dangerous it is to look at a solar eclipse without the proper glasses. I’ve never questioned that wisdom, though I have to admit that I don’t ever recall being in a solar eclipse situation before. EVER. I mean…I’m sure there have been such occurrences in my lifetime, but my mother must have safely stashed me under a bed at the time, or something. I don’t know.

I commented to my husband just last night that I’m predicting a LOT of people are going to suffer eye/vision damage as a result of this phenomenon. But here’s the kicker…this morning as I was pondering how amazing it will be when at 1:37 (or whatever – I did check the time that the eclipse will be at its peak in my area) and suddenly came to the frightening realization that I might not be able to control the dark urge inside me to look at it. When darkness falls, I can envision myself saying, Oh if you just peek out of the corner of your eye, you’ll be fine. And now I’m pretty scared because I’ve checked everywhere and there are NO glasses available for viewing ANYWHERE and I just don’t know if I can trust myself. So, I may very well be one of the idiots who thinks my eyes are super-hero caliber. Here’s to hoping I don’t test that unlikely theory, but I just don’t know. I might… 😈

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Things I Hate…And a Few Things I Love

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Well folks, today’s your lucky day. Today I answer the question which I know has been nagging at you. That’s right. I’m going to share with you some of the things I hate and a few of the things I love. But not just any old things. This is my public admission of the various stuff about which I seem to be on the fringe of society in my preference…things I hate that the rest of the world loves and vice versa.

Tune into my new Where Are My Glasses? podcast, guaranteed to tickle your funny bone. Each episode is independent and features my hilarious take on life. Yes, you read that right – they’re hilarious.  If you’ve ever considered taking extreme measures to escape your cell phone contract, googled the best ways to break up with your hairdresser, struggled with social media, or stressed out waiting in the longest line (ALWAYS) at the grocery store, I get it and manage to find humor in those mundane moments of life.

The short episodes are perfectly suited to fit a busy schedule. Who couldn’t use a pick-me-up during your commute to work, over a lunch break, or after a long day at the office? So what are you waiting for? Check out Where Are My Glasses Podcast, available for FREE (that’s right…FREE!!) download on your Podcast App. Oh, and don’t forget to SUBSCRIBE!  Too lazy to search? The following link will take you directly to my most recent episode on your smartphone: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/where-are-my-glasses/id1187030125?mt=2&i=1000384276011

So what are you waiting for? Another way to listen?? Well then, today really IS your lucky day because you can also click on the link below to visit our website, which offers you a chance to listen to episodes AND leave comments, which I would love you forever if you would take the time to comment. Really I would. 🙂

Where Are My Glasses Podcast Website:http://www.wherearemyglassespodcast.com/?p=228

 

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