Post-Oscar Rants And My Advice To Future Nominees

82nd Annual Academy Awards - "Meet The Oscars" New YorkAhhh, the day after the Academy Awards. It’s a day spent reliving the moments of the prior evening. A day to indulge our superiority by loudly voicing unsolicited opinions (my favorite kind) about everything from the often unfortunate choices of Oscar formal wear during the insufferable red-carpet interviews to our views on the caliber of hosting performed during the show (um…awesome? Just wish we could have seen more of Seth).

It’s a day spent in either utter indignation over the venerated trophy being awarded to some undeserving actor/movie/hack or vindication that, YES, Argo won. Good for Ben Affleck. And, as always, exercising the enormous amount of self-discipline required to keep ourselves (or is it just me?) from dry heaving at the Academy’s inevitable love affair with certain films that defy rational thought.

And can I please say this:  Anne Hathaway, do us all a favor and EAT SOMETHING already. And, Michelle Obama?? Really?? What was that all about? And Jack Nicholson introducing her? What was that all about? I’m still not even sure why that whole moment took place. And (yes, I know I’m overusing the word – leave me alone, I’m on a ranting roll) why is Jack Nicholson even allowed to still attend the Oscars? The guy is a caricature of himself. I mean, I thought  he was great in a lot of movies, but, do we really have to be subjected to his smarmy, creepy smile EVERY year as he sits, front and center, with those stupid sunglasses? Or maybe he just had cataracts removed. I should probably give him a little slack on that.

Anyway, my thoughts are as follows: I loved Seth MacFarlane. He is an amazingly talented person with a razor-sharp wit, a great voice and a great face (even if you hate him, come on, you have to admit he’s a handsome devil). I hate Anne Hathaway. There, I said it. I hate her buggy eyeballs, her RED lipstick  smile that stretches from ear to ear, maybe even to the back of her head, her bones that  stick out, threatening to impale whoever stands too close to her and her always shocked, breathless and “humble” acceptance speeches – gasp, gasp, oh wow, oh, gasp, oh, I want to thank, gasp… Do us all another favor and BE PREPARED with a speech. This bit of advice is actually for anyone who will  ever be nominated for a future award. I don’t care who you are, how obscure your film or role may be, or the fact that there is NO WAY in HE** that you will ever grace the steps to that stage to accept an award, HAVE A SPEECH PREPARED. PLEASE.

I have to admit that I did not see all of the films that were nominated for awards, but, that won’t stop me from butting into any Oscar-related conversation to boldly state my views. Here were my picks: I loved Lincoln and I loved Daniel Day-Lewis. I thought his performance was fantastic and I’m glad he won. I mean, how many people can make Abe Lincoln look kind of handsome? DDL did that. His speech just exuded class, too. It could be the brogue, though.  Doesn’t everything sound better with a brogue?  Plus, he’s very good-looking (never hurts). So, yeah, I’m really happy he won. I also loved Argo and was incensed that Ben Affleck was not nominated for Best Director. I was THRILLED that the movie won for Best Film.

Umm…let’s see…what else…oh, I did not see Life of Pi. I’ve heard it is a great movie, but based on the clips I’ve seen, I don’t think I would like it. How’s that for close-mindedness?  Another movie I have no desire to see? Les Miserables. I saw the non-singing version with Liam Neeson and loved it. It’s a great story. But, I cannot stomach a movie that is sung through-out. Sorry. Not gonna happen. Stop with your outrage. I can feel your disdain for me even as I type this post. I don’t care how great everyone says it is. I can barely tolerate a regular musical (there exist a few exceptions) with songs thrown in every now and then. I can just never get past asking the obvious question: does the person that suddenly broke into song know they’re singing? Or is it supposed to be like dialogue? And when the other person or persons join in singing and harmonizing, how do they know the words? Is everyone in the scene aware that they’re now singing? I don’t know. Maybe I’m over-thinking the whole thing. But, I just don’t like it. Oh, one more thing.  I’m really glad that little kid didn’t win. I don’t care how good she might have been. She’s nine years old. There should be an age requirement, like maybe at least be out of elementary school.

I am kind of happy that Ang Lee won (as long as BA wasn’t even in the running) because I heard that he is a University of Illinois alum, so that’s cool. Oh, and speaking of colleges, I thought it was really cool that students from various colleges were present to hand out the awards – two of them hailing right from our hometown of Chicago. One was from DePaul University (yay – that’s where my offspring, Brian is studying cinema/screen directing) and Columbia College. So, that about wraps up my post-Oscar critique. I’ll probably think of more things to rant about because that is truly my passion (and they say it’s good to be passionate about something), but right now, I really gotta go. Things to do and all that. Maybe I’ll go see Django, Unchained. I do love a good Quentin Tarantino movie…(And, yes, I am a girl)

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