You know, I’ve never considered myself to be a lucky person. I’m not one of those people who always seems to win things. We all know someone like that and I’m sorry to say that I’ve never been “that guy.” But, it seems my luck has taken a well-deserved u-turn. I recently received an email from AGENT JOHN EDWARD (the caps seemed to be a really important part of his name) informing me of a windfall that fate has blown my way. In a post I published on 5/13/2013, Money Can’t Buy Me Love…But I’m OK With That, I related the exciting news from AGENT JOHN EDWARD who had received notice from the WHITE HOUSE with instructions from Homeland Security (apparently not cap-worthy) for release of $10,000,000,000 (TEN MILLION DOLLARS) to little ol’ me. It was imperative that I contact him immediately, as it was URGENT. All I needed to do was simply offset the “TAX CLEARANCE LEVY” mandated by the IRS in order to authorize deposit into my bank account. I mean, how lucky can a girl get?
But, if being a multi-millionaire wasn’t enough, (well, soon I think-I haven’t actually received my money…), I just got an email from James Fontanesi, MD (obviously not as important as YOU KNOW WHO). The email was being sent on behalf of a Mrs. Margaret Crawford regarding her desire to include me in her will. I mean, can you believe how lucky I am?? I don’t even KNOW a Mrs. Margaret Crawford. The hang-up is the inheritance seems to hinge on its use toward Humanitarian work. Dr. Fontanesi then directs me to her Attorney for more info. For you skeptics out there, I have included the body of the email at the end of this post, as proof that this is the real thing.
To say I’m intrigued is putting it mildly. But, Humanitarian work?? I don’t know about that. I’m tempted to say, “Uhh…sure. Umm…I’m quite devoted to the Human Fund. I’ll be sure that wonderful organization will reap the rewards of Mrs. Crawford’s inheritance.” If you’re not familiar with the Human Fund, I would direct you to an old Seinfeld episode, wherein George skirts the touchy subject of donating to charity by creating a fake one.
I have to admit that a couple of red flags did wave rather violently as I tried to control the drool escaping down my chin. First, I guess I’m not really buying that some lady’s doctor would be the guy to inform me of an inheritance. And then include contact information for the woman’s lawyer for “more info.” While, I’ve never actually been the recipient of such an anonymous windfall, I just don’t think it would go down that way. And, how would they know if I put it towards Humanitarian work? And, why me? There are actually two things I’ve never been known as: a lucky person or a humanitarian. And yet…it turns out I might be both.
Out of curiosity, I googled James Fontanesi, MD and did find a real doctor who is on staff at a real hospital, is Board Certified in Radiation Oncology and has received wonderful reviews as a compassionate doctor. I was tempted to inform him of the use of his name on the internet. But, I didn’t. See, I’m really not much of a humanitarian. He is a much more humane human than me. I might just reply to his email and tell him to keep the inheritance for himself. After all, I still have $10,000,000,000 (TEN MILLION DOLLARS) coming my way.
I am sending you this email on behalf of Mrs. Margaret Crawford and in regards to her wish. She have decided to will her inheritance to you for Humanitarian work. For more info contact her Attorney, Mark Lawson on email: firstname.lastname@example.org
PS: The photo at the top of this post is not of me, but a pretty close likeness… Yeah, really close. Practically twins. So…yep