Tag Archives: parenting

My Answer To The Burning Question Of WHY??

ST PAT SCHOOL PIC

Catholic Schools Week has arrived!! When my kids were little, that meant a much anticipated week filled with fun activities, assemblies, games and contests. And of course, themed days like crazy hair day, pajama day, favorite sports team day and just about any other thing you can think up, all the while learning even more about their Catholic faith. To them, though, this week was simply known as Spirit Week.

They have since grown up, with my youngest now wrapping up her third year in college. No more Catholic Schools Week for them – not since they attended the University of Iowa and for the first time in their lives, went to (GASP!!) public school. Of course, in college, every day is crazy hair day, pajama day or favorite sports team day.

I was reminded of Catholic Schools Week on Facebook yesterday as one of my FB friends shared a link to an article (which I am also passing along) entitled: Why My Kids Go To Catholic School. Over the years, I have been asked that question many, many times. And each time, I’ve answered it as simply and honestly as I could. That, while there is no question an excellent education can be had at our local public schools (and quite honestly, the programs and facilities in those schools would have been immensely helpful for my fine-arts offspring), my husband and I chose Catholic schools for our four children because they could offer the one thing that the public schools could not: a Catholic, faith-filled environment. Period. Not because we thought we were better than anyone else, as some seem to believe. Being immersed in their faith and beginning not just each day, but each class with a prayer was important enough for us to make the financial sacrifice to send four kids to twelve years of Catholic schooling. Let me tell you, that’s a lot of tuition. I keep telling them that they’ll thank us for it someday…

Some people also mistakenly believe that we must have a lot of money to make the Catholic School choice. And to them, I say, we are totally broke precisely because we paid that tuition for all those years.

The high school my three sons attended was an all-boy, Benedictine academy with an Army JROTC program. When my son, Brian, once described his school as “an all boy, Catholic military school,” the response was, “Wow, that’s a lot of discipline!” And it was. But, I remember a story a Senior Theology teacher liked to share with families new to the school which showed a different side. Before each class, his students would say a prayer, followed by any requested personal intentions. Every day, one student would simply raise his hand and request a prayer “for his mother.” After a couple weeks, the teacher said, “Joe, every day you ask us to say a prayer for your mother. If you feel comfortable, could you tell us why?” He quietly answered, “My mom has cancer and I’m afraid she’s going to die.” The class was silent for a moment, until one boy stood, walked over to Joe and hugged him. Each boy then did the same thing until every one of them had embraced their classmate. From that day forward, during intentions, a different student would raise his hand and say, “For Joe’s mom.”

I love that story because people would never think, in such a macho kind of environment, that these young men would feel safe enough to allow themselves to be so vulnerable without the fear of ridicule. Instead, they were connected through prayer and community.

And THAT’S why we sent our kids to Catholic schools. Oh, and also because uniforms make life so much easier in the morning. 🙂

Why My Kids Go To Catholic School

 

 

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Never Say Never…Or How I Came To Celebrate my Daughter’s Birthday

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“Your next one will be a girl.” I laughed and said, “I’m not brave enough to take that chance!” After all, that prediction was uttered by a superstitious woman from the old country, after studying the swirl of hair on my infant son’s head. Based on the direction of the swirl, she was quite confident in her assertion. I was most definitely going to have another child and it would most definitely be female. Based on the fact that I was holding my third son in my arms, I was quite confident that she was a certified loony. For one thing, another child was the furthest thing from my mind. I mean little Petey was only six months old. And, ummm….a girl?? Yeah, pretty sure that wasn’t gonna happen. I mean, I had boys. I was used to boys. I was a “boy mom”. Though there was a female presence in my family growing up (I did have a mother and a sister, after all), the male presence was far more overpowering – a dad and five brothers. I was a tomboy as a kid. Boys never intimidated me. I kind of knew how they worked. But a girl?? That was outside my comfort zone. Yes, I know I am a girl, but I was never really into girly things. I’d be a terrible girl mom. Of that I was sure.

So, that said…today my husband, my three sons and I celebrate my daughter’s twenty-second birthday. That’s right. Two and a half years after that fateful prediction, we welcomed little Mary Kathryn into the family. A few months before she made her grand entrance into the world (and before ultrasounds were routine procedures) a co-worker in my office casually asked to see my hands. Not sure of her reason for the strange request, I held out both hands for her to view. “You’re going to have a girl,” she announced. Wait. What? Yes, because I held my hands out palms down, she was able to determine that a pink bundle was on its way. Laughing it off, I later told my oldest son, Mike, about the prediction of a little sister. He was beside himself. “You did WHAT? How could you?” The sound of horror in his voice made me think that maybe I shouldn’t have been so reckless in my hand display. What madness had I unleashed?

I reassured him that silly superstitions were just that – silly and meaningless. But, I have to admit, I wasn’t so sure when, on November 6, 1994, after a relatively quick labor, the doctor announced, “We gotta girl!” Yikes. I tried to do all the things moms of girls do. I can remember trying to fix her hair in super cute ways before school (well, they were super cute in my head, anyway) but never achieving the desired look and ending with a slapped together ponytail and an apology, “I’m sorry Mary Kate. I’m not a very good girl mom.” And she’d try to soothe my failure with, “That’s okay” as she’d head through the school doors.

So, while it’s true that I might have been lacking in girl skills, she can’t deny that I equipped her with more important life skills at a young age, like when she was desperate to quit the rockestra band at school but wasn’t sure how because the band teacher simply would not allow it. She tried to explain to him that she was not quitting the whole band and that she had every intention of continuing band in high school. She has even gone on to pursue her Bachelor of Music degree in college, and is in her year senior year as a percussion performance major at the University of Iowa. But he would have none of it. I understood where he was coming from. You hate to allow a young kid to quit things when the going gets tough. Especially something like music, which is always hard, but important to keep at it if even a spark of talent shines through. But, quite honestly, after fourteen years with kids in the band, I was okay with her letting go of this particular commitment. She was desperate to find a solution. So, I told her after careful consideration, there was only one logical way this was gonna happen. She would have to fake her own death. “I can do that,” she confidently assured me.

Twenty-two years of having a girl and I still don’t think I’m a very good girl mom. We bond over trashy reality TV, terribly acted Lifetime Movies and true murder shows. She now knows what NOT to do to pull off the perfect murder. But, I think we both agree that being a little edgy is a heck of a lot more fun than getting the pigtails right. This is what she tweeted for MotherYOU TRIED

And our exchange on Facebook in response to that tweet:

Mary Kate Naughton: looooove yooouuuu 🙂

Marilyn Toner Naughton: Ahhhh, ain’t love grand?
Mary Kate Naughton: to be fair, you responded with “I hate you”
Yeah, I’d say we have a pretty awesome mother-daughter thing going on. Happy Birthday Mary Kate!! And ya know what? I’m glad Peter’s hair swirled just the right way and I held my hands out palms down.  🙂

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Summer, We Hardly Knew Ya

FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL

Well, it’s official. Summer bliss has ended. Well, at least the fantasy of summer bliss, which is probably the reason I’m extra depressed. Summer is over and there is NO question that we got a bum deal this year. The months of June and July were cold and rainy almost every day. Then came the oppressive heat. And suddenly, today is the first day of school for kids around here. SCHOOL PEOPLE!!! All we have left now to look forward to and keep spirits up is maybe two weeks of beautiful fall. That is, maybe fourteen days of crisp air, blue skies, and the intoxicating aroma of burning leaves all warmly engulfed in glorious autumn colors. But not fourteen consecutive days. Let’s not get crazy here. I might even be overly generous with that number. The fall offers a wonderful reprieve from the blistering heat and ungodly humidity of summer. But it is fleeting. I’ve learned to live in the moment on those magnificent days because those of us in the Midwest know what lies ahead… Cold darkness lasting about nine months. Yeah, that’s right. I’m not a winter person. I hate winter. I hate being cold. I hate driving in snow. I hate worrying about my kids driving in snowstorms. I hate shoveling snow. I know all you out-doorsy types are probably scoffing at me as you read this. You know who you are. All you snow-mobilers, cross-country skiers, and tobogganors. All you people who go on and on about how beautiful the snow is. Okay, I’ll concede that. After a storm, the pristine snow that blankets the ground and trees is gorgeous. But, that’s only if it happens on a weekend when we don’t have to actually be somewhere. When we don’t have to get the shovels out. And, let’s be honest. It’s only beautiful until the first car drives on the street. Then it quickly turns into dirty, slushy ick. Last March (yes…MARCH – when we dare to entertain thoughts of spring) my daughter tweeted: “If anyone throws a snowball at me, I will murder them”   That’s right, the shine of winter had definitely worn off by March. Continue reading

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What Goes Up…

 

ELEVATOR

 

Today, I am so excited to share with you my son, Brian’s, super-exciting project. As many of you already know, Brian is nearing the end of his Master’s Degree program in Cinema Directing at DePaul University. DePaul’s Cinema program has skyrocketed  in national rankings of film schools and is regularly ranked one of the top schools in the nation. Not bad for a program that is less than ten years old. The city of Chicago has become a film-set mecca and the huge Cinescape Soundstage is ground zero for most Chicago-based film and television productions.

As his final class project, Brian is directing a short film entitled, What Goes Up. It is a dark, atmospheric look at how one man’s choices in life affect his final moments. Brian is very proud of this film and made a decision to treat it as a serious, independent film, rather than just a class project. This decision has been as terrifying for him as it has been exhilarating because of the risks he is taking to make his concept a reality. He told me that when others heard his idea, they thought his vision would be impossible for a student to capture onscreen. Among other obstacles, it required outdoor filming on a rooftop with a gun, which, in turn required insurance, a permit, and Chicago police presence. He also needed to figure out how to create an elevator for a major part of the film. Brian was fortunate enough to find a Producer and Director of Photography who believed in his vision and made the impossible possible. They were able to rent the elevator set from the set of “Chicago PD” at Cinescape Soundstage. The finished product will be entered in film festivals from coast to coast and promises to be fantastic. And creepy. I am confident it will receive a lot of well-deserved recognition.

When this film is completed, What Goes Up, will represent the  physical embodiment of what started out as a simple idea he and a fellow student had when they put the pen to paper almost a year ago. This is what dreams are all about and you, dear readers, have the power to help this dream happen. I am calling out to my readers to check out Brian’s Kickstarter page and think about donating to his campaign. Even a donation as small as $5 is an option, and one he would be thrilled to receive. The following is his public appeal:

“We’ve been lucky enough to gain access to several beautiful filming locations, as well as find a talented and experienced crew. A film doesn’t come without its costs, so it’d be greatly appreciated if you would donate to our kick-starter campaign and help us cover rental, food, production design, and transportation costs. Please like and share this with your friends! Thank you!”

https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/320657146/what-goes-up

And remember…

All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them.  – Walt Disney

A dream doesn’t become reality through magic; it takes sweat, determination and hard work.  – Colin Powell

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams. – Eleanor Roosevelt

 

 

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The Fast Track To Becoming Mom’s Favorite Kid

Living The Dream Book CoverLooking for a fast, easy gift for Mom that will bring a smile to her face? How ’bout the gift of reading about other harried mothers and the craziness of family life in general? Believe me, every mother wants reassurance that she is not navigating the looney waters of parenthood alone. Yes, there ARE others who feel her pain and laugh their way through it. For a mere $2.99, you can give her just that. And she’ll love you for it. Probably even more than your siblings…

Just a simple click on this link & you’re almost there. The book is downloadable on Kindle or ANY device with the FREE Kindle app. It seriously could not be any easier. So, get moving already. Click on the link and be prepared to move up the favorite child ladder. You’re welcome. 🙂

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Mistaeks Happen…

BIG BROTHER SUPER HERO 2What perfect timing. In my almost twenty-nine years of mothering, I have joked more times than I can count about the role my children have played in my financial and emotional  ruin. Without kids, I’m sure I would have been a millionaire several times over by now. That was the plan, after all. I would have been living a life of ease, free from the stress of homework, finals, report cards, working concessions, fighting over practicing the piano, keeping track of schedules for football, track, baseball, basketball, volleyball, various summer camps, drum lessons, dreaded piano lessons, school plays, ACTs, college applications, the constant need for hair color, etc, etc. I can actually feel a headache coming on as I stroll down memory lane. But, of course the truth is that, as I’ve also said (maybe not as many times, admittedly), my kids are the best thing that ever happened to me. Yes, every heartache, every tear, every worry and fear, but also every belly laugh and every moment of beaming pride.

So here’s where the perfect timing comes in. As many of you know, my two youngest, Peter and Mary Kate, are both studying percussion performance in school. Peter paved the way in the Percussion Studio at the University of Iowa, and his little sister happily followed in his footsteps three years later. The one year they were together in Iowa City marked the first time siblings had ever studied and performed together in the studio. The head of the Percussion Department had some hesitation about the possible head-butting, rivalry and competition that could arise as a result of admitting siblings and during her audition, questioned Mary Kate about just how solid the relationship with her brother was. Her response was that they were very close and shared a love for music. Peter was her role model. He has since gone on to pursue his Master’s Degree in Percussion Performance at the University of Tennessee, but returned to Iowa City this weekend to perform in the Last Chance Percussion Ensemble Concert (so named because it is the last chance music students have to earn concert attendance credit before the end of the semester). This final concert of the year is open to interested alumni of the studio to perform alongside current members, including You-Know-Who (Baby Sister).

I texted Mary Kate last night to ask how the concert had gone and the following was our exchange that took place:

MK: I just played really bad at Last Chance. It took all my willpower not to cry afterwards. It was really only one mistake, but it was super noticeable and I was especially upset because I wanted to play well for Peter.

ME: Oh sweetie, I’m so sorry 😦  Did anyone say anything about it? Maybe it wasn’t really that bad.

MK: Everyone just said good job. I talked to Ben (her TA) and he said it was only one mistake and the rest was really good. He said I shouldn’t be upset. Pete thought it sounded good, so that makes me happy.

I then texted Peter to let him know how much his presence and kind words meant to her and this was our exchange:

PETE: Honestly, she played really well. Mistakes are much more noticeable when you’re the one playing. She shouldn’t get hung up on it. It was a good performance.

ME: Your approval means a lot to her. She wants you to be proud of her.

PETE: I am!! I thought she did a great job. And I saw her recital (which had been streamed live, two weeks ago) and she was awesome!

I thought Mary Kate’s desire to perform well for her brother was so sweet and his response that he is proud of her, even better. Both conversations were great, but ya know what the best part was? Peter’s response that it was just a mistake and usually the mistake is only noticeable to the one making it. And most importantly…that she shouldn’t get hung up on it. I mean…right??? A great piece of advice for us all.

So, nodding off to sleep last night, I felt pretty good. Life throws a heck of a lot of curve-balls your way. Things often don’t go as planned (my life as a millionaire, for example). But we can’t get hung up on it. You pick up where you left off and move on, and maybe no one will notice the mistakes.

Happy Mother’s Day and remember…don’t get hung up on the mistakes – on the ones we make as we muddle through parenting or on the ones our kids are bound to make as they struggle to make their way in life.

PS: The text messages above were edited for punctuation and spelling, in case anyone was wondering…

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Don’t Worry…We’ve Got Your Back

20150107-144632.jpg“I think you’re just saying that because you’re worried about me.”

Those words were quietly uttered to me by my son last week when my husband and I suggested he lengthen his stay at our house over the holidays. I was taken back a bit by his words, but had to admit, he was right. We were worried about him. He had been recently dealing with a lot of stress which led to sleep issues, but seemed to improve so much while at home, goofing around with his sister and two brothers. A change of scenery and a break from the stress he’d been dealing with worked wonders for him.

I later explained that he was right.  We did worry about him, just like we worry about all of our kids. Yes, he’s twenty-eight years old. Yes, he’s married. But we’re parents and parents worry. That’s what we do best. And that’s normal. Continue reading

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Parenting, Worry And Ernest Hemingway…

ERNEST HEMINGWAY PICWell, I’m back after a very long period of writer’s block. Writer’s block, combined with a very busy summer, lots on my mind and, ummm…writer’s block. I recently came across an interesting quote by Ernest Hemingway, that hack writer. Anyway, he said “Worry destroys the ability to write.” And to that I say: Truer words were never spoke. But an even better quote from him is this: “If something is broken, fix it if you can. But train yourself not to worry. Worry never fixes anything.” I wholeheartedly agree. As my grandma used to say, to worry is to borrow trouble. No point in that. However, I AM a parent and worry is the constant companion of every parent. It’s just part of the deal. So, let’s do a little word problem…

One Praying Parent (Novena-Rosary-or-Name Your Personal Prayer Style) directly correlates to One Child whirling through life’s foibles TIMES number of Said Children TIMES the number of Hours in a Day TIMES the Entire Lifetime of Said Children = One Crazy Parent PLUS at LEAST one, probably very annoyed, Patron Saint. (Yes, this particular math problem is a Catholic one, but by no means excludes non-Catholic parents – we’re all in this together.)

As you can tell from that equation, I really stink at math. But you probably get the point. Being a parent ain’t easy. That said, my kids are easily the BEST thing that ever happened to me, as I’m sure yours are. And, as much as I blame them for my current state of financial ruin, the truth is that they’re probably only responsible for maybe 75% of it. Possibly less… But I’m gonna say probably not.

So, yes, financial disaster is part of my ongoing worry. But, like any parent, I also worry about my kids growing into mature, honorable and deep-down GOOD people. Oh and about them getting jobs, too. Jobs that will not only pay the bills, but will fill them with excitement so they will be able to LIVE life, rather than just survive it. They don’t have to be millionaires (but I’ve advised them not to rule it out) to live happily and contentedly. I’ve often repeated this quote from one of my sons because I love it and it makes me proud. When speaking of his career plans, he said, “My goals in life aren’t confined to a paycheck.”  When I hear that, I know these kids of mine are so worth my being broke. As parents, we sacrifice. We’ve given everything we have to provide our kids the opportunity to go out into the world and make good use of the gifts they’ve been given. I mean, what the heck, it’s only money…right?

PS: My son’s two short essays on the life of a musician can be found here: http://pjnmusic.blogspot.com/

PS…they’re good 😊

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Every Dream Begins With A Dreamer…

LIVE YOUR DREAM PIC“I got a lot of support from my parents.That’s the one thing I always appreciated. They didn’t tell me I was being stupid; they told me I was being funny”  – Jim Carrey

I love this quote. Speaking as a mother who has enthusiastically supported her children to follow their dreams (a trite expression, I know), I have often been on the receiving end of disapproving looks when asked about my kids’ studies. This is because their dreams are not about engineering, medicine or any other socially acceptable career. And, as much as they recognize the importance of being able to support themselves, as well as the appeal of earning a high income, I think my son, Peter, put it quite well when he said his goals in life are not confined to a paycheck. So, what exactly is it they want to do, you ask? Well….

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Livin’ The Dream Or Certifiable Nutjob? You Be The Judge…

funny music prof picWell, it’s been a while since I’ve written on this subject. Mainly because I kind of thought I was done with it. I don’t know why I thought that. We all knew from day one, when our son chose music as his college major (or, more accurately, music chose him), that this was an all or nothing academic endeavor. That is, he went in knowing that he would need, at the very least, a Master’s degree, or more likely, a Doctorate, in order to be able to create a fulfilling life in music. People ask me all the time what his plans are when they hear he is a Percussion Performance major. And truthfully, I answer that we’re not one hundred percent sure right now. With an advanced degree, more doors are opened to him. If I tell them what I really think he could do, I get frightened looks from people who have suddenly come to the realization that they are speaking with a deranged, or at least, delusional person. You know the types who are convinced that their high school football playing son is destined for the NFL and you’re thinking to yourself, “Yeah…he’s probably not, so…” Continue reading

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