Tag Archives: humor

January 1, 2013 · 1:28 am

Dream A Little Dream…

thCABEB98MHmmm….where to begin… First of all, let me wish all of my BWB friends a Happy New Year.  Now, on to the important matters of, umm, me.  Yes, I’ve been giving the year 2013 a lot of thought and, basically, here’s the deal:  I’ve already decided that it’s gonna’ be a good one.  Mike will make his first million in the world of high finance, prompting him to turn his good fortune into a better fortune by producing Brian’s first blockbuster film, which will be the buzz of Hollywood with Oscar talk for Best Picture, Best Director, Best Writing (Best Screen Play?  I’m not sure what that one’s called.  I’m still learning, so cut me some slack) and, of course, (Pete, I haven’t forgotten you), Best Film Score.  Little sister, Mary Kate, will be proudly standing by her brothers as an assistant something or other.  Kidding, MK.  Everyone knows you’re already being projected to be a better musician than that other kid in the family, so, of course, you’ll be probably still an assistant something because, well, let’s be realistic, you’re only eighteen years old.   Let’s graduate high school first.  I mean, come on.  Anyway, back to me.  My children have been carefully groomed in the art of a great acceptance speech by Yours Truly: keep it short and sweet and, whatever you do, do NOT forget to thank Mom and Dad. 

So, there you have it:  my 2013 in a nutshell.  Not bad, really.  I mean, it could happen.  Mike does work in the world of finance.  Brian is getting his Master’s degree in digital film/screen directing.  Pete is an accomplished musician, loves composition and has collaborated with Brian during the early film years and Mary Kate is eighteen years old. 

It’s fun to dream, anyway.  And that’s what the New Year represents to us all, doesn’t it?  Dreams.  A new slate.  New possibilities.  Ooohhh, and a new dress for the after-Oscar parties.  I should probably start looking now.  Maybe once I get my balances down at Carson’s or Von Maur, that is…

P.S. May all of your wildest dreams come true

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November 30, 2012 · 11:55 am

So Much To Do…So Many Episodes Of Snapped To Watch…

Procrastination-3[1]So, I really should not be sitting at my computer right now.  I have a million other, important things I should be doing.  Those of you familiar with box wine musings might remember a post from last January about my failed attempts to prepare our house for the 2011 Christmas holidays.  That led me to make a rather bold, public New Years Resolution to clean my house from top to bottom so that I would be able to enjoy the 2012 holiday season, free of stress.  I think my exact words were, “No closet, cabinet, or drawer will be overlooked. Dust bunnies will be but a distant memory.”  Or something like that. 

Anyway, the point is, I started out on a mission.  And, I succeeded in scouring every room on the first floor of my house from floor to ceiling.  I was pretty amazing, really.  Then, about two weeks later, I spotted an evil cobweb hanging about a hundred miles up from the two-story ceiling in our family room.   (Sidenote:  two-story ceilings:  a stupid feature in a house – refer to my post:  And Another Thing…Random Thoughts, 09/13/12, for other dumb ideas in home construction that seem really cool when you’re walking through the house….) Anyway, upon seeing the return of the enemy so soon after my heroic (a ladder was involved) removal, I threw in the towel.  I surrendered.  I figured, “Who was it hurting?”  And you know what?  It’s actually pretty easy to live with the dangling threads of dust if you just each mind your own business.   

But, now, as Christmas approaches, the trials of last year seem like kid’s stuff.  This year, I am faced with a real challenge.  My house looks like the “before” house on any given episode of Hoarders.  That’s because it has suddenly become a storehouse for:  unsold items from a recent family estate sale (some of which are travelling downtown on Saturday – ooohhh that’s tomorrow – when son, Brian moves into his bachelor pad), wedding gifts from other son, Mike and Laura’s wedding (that’s okay, guys – we don’t mind), and, of course, Christmas lights, strewn about in an orderly mess through several rooms.  Then, just for fun, throw in Thanksgiving when third son, Peter, spent the entire week home from school doing his laundry, leaving large duffel bags, hampers and any other vessel filled with his dirty clothing everywhere, and I became sort of paralyzed, falling rather easily into that familiar fantasy about having my own secret apartment (a thought I’ve actually done some research on, but that’s a story for another blog). 

 I’m not sure where to start, but I do know that priority one is getting Brian’s stuff ready to be packed into the rental truck we’re picking up in a few hours.  So, I really should be focusing on that.  I keep telling myself that once his things are together, and especially packed into the truck this evening, my house will start to resemble a normal dwelling place.  Then, I just have to move the wedding gifts into Mikes bedroom.  But before I do that, I HAVE to figure out how to take apart the marimba in his room (if you don’t know what a marimba is, look it up – it’s big) that we borrowed from school and were supposed to return by late October.  Sorry about that, Mr. Thurlow. 

So, I’m sure you can understand why I’m sitting at my computer instead of doing something constructive.  But, I really do need to go.  There are so many things to do:  check my Facebook, see if there are any Snapped episodes I haven’t watched yet (doubtful), oh, maybe buy Hoover some dog food, ummm….and some other really important things.

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October 26, 2012 · 7:18 am

The Sound Of Music (School Apps)… ARRGGHH

Four years ago  when my son, Peter was applying to music schools, I often remarked (okay, more like whined and complained incessantly) about the complicated nature of the application process.  Prior to his baptism into the whole college app world, I had managed (quite easily, actually) to launch his two older brothers off to college.  They both even transferred schools after their freshman year.  Piece of cake.  Enter Peter, and it was like I’d never visited a college website before.  That’s because, as my finance-major son, Mike, often reminded me, the sites I was attempting to navigate were music school sites, made up of music people and the brains of music people simply don’t work the way the rest of the world’s brains work.  That’s just a fact.  So, while these websites probably made perfect sense to the musically gifted, the rest of us normal people were left pulling our hair out.  The first test, I learned was this:  just trying to FIND the application

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October 18, 2012 · 2:08 pm

Your Kid’s Majoring In What???

I just finished reading a great post from one of my favorite bloggers which I will reblog as soon as I’m done writing this great piece.  I can only do one great thing at a time, sheesh.  Anyway, in it, he poses an interesting question about the collective sanity of our culture in which we work decades at a job we usually just tolerate (if we’re lucky), in order to pay for all the things we consider important.  Things like, shelter, furniture for shelter,  indoor and outdoor improvements for said shelter, clothing, cars etc.  These are, admittedly, all important things.  But, at some point, we become the hamster on the wheel, frantically working to pay the mortgage, real estate taxes, cars, and credit cards, just to name a few off the top of my head, as we continue to require bigger houses leading to more stuff to put in them, cooler cars etc.  Add into the mix kids and, forget it, it’s all over.  Then it really gets crazy – more clothes, food, cars, insurance, food (those pesky creatures insist on eating every day), tuition and definitely a whole lot more alcohol (for Mom and Dad, that is).  We think of ourselves as a civilized people and, yet, our lifestyles turn us into crazed wheel-spinning rodents.  What’s that all about?

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September 13, 2012 · 4:19 pm

And Another Thing…Random Thoughts…

In an effort to renew my creative juices, I’ve decided to write down some random thoughts that have passed through my brain these last few months.  So…here they are:

SOME OF THE WORST IDEAS IN HOME CONSTRUCTION THAT SEEM COOL WHEN WALKING THROUGH A MODEL:

SKYLIGHTS – Have you ever been in a room with skylights during a storm?  It’s the worst.  We have two  in our family room, and, no kidding, you have to set the volume of the television up to ear-bleeding levels in order to be able to sort of read the actors’ lips.  We also have one in our master bath, which would be awful if we didn’t employ the use of a fan to provide white noise during the night.  The worst.

TWO-STORY ROOMS – Yes, they can have a dramatic effect, but have you ever thought about the cobwebs that collect waaaaay up there?  I find I’m absolutely obsessed if I notice one hanging when friends are over.  Sometimes, the light shines juuuuussssst right to illuminate the hanging dust bunny.  And speaking of illumination…whose idea was it to install recessed lighting on a ceiling that’s 20 feet tall?  Seriously?  This is kind of like two construction pet peeves in one.  We have so many light switches on the walls for the various lights, ceiling fans, etc. that, to be honest, after twelve years of living in this house, I still have to flip about three of them to get the one I want.  But, the one switch I know for sure I never want is the one which controls the recessed lighting closest to Venus.  It doesn’t really matter, anyway, because the bulbs burned out about eight years ago.  Oh, and another thing…have you ever tried to paint a two-story room?  If you’re smart, you’ll say, “Are you crazy? That’s what professionals are for”  And, let me tell you, it is so worth the couple thousand dollars to hire someone to do the job.  I know you’re thinking, “Wow, she must be really rich, to which to which I would answer, “Rich as in wealthy?  No.  But, rich in friends and family?  Yes.  In other words…depressed as hell.”  Anyway, back to the painting…my sons recently painted their grandparents’ two-story living room and they learned that they never, ever want to be painters.  Ever.

THOUGHTS THAT OCCUR WHILE AT SUNDAY MASS:

One day, while in church, I noticed a man with enormous ears sitting in front of me.  He was an older man, so I thought, you know, he’s old, what do you expect?  Old men have big ears.  But, then, one thought led to another, and I wondered…do ears continue to grow?  And only in men??  I suppose I’ve seen old women with big ears, but as I searched the pews, I couldn’t spot nary a one.  And then, I thought…well, they must continue to grow because in my search for a humongous eared old lady, my eyes spied several teen boys and young men and they all had normal-sized ears that seemed to fit their heads quite nicely.  So, I guess I’m just left with…what’s that all about?

There are other odds and ends rummaging about in my brain, but I just thought I’d share these with you.  And include in this post an equally random picture I found amusing.  Your welcome.

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June 27, 2012 · 6:42 pm

Welcome To My Home…Pardon The Dust Bunnies

Alright, folks…here it is:  today is June 27, 2012.  This date marks almost exactly six months since I  stuck my neck out with my very public New Years Resolution.  You regular readers of this post might remember in early January when I posted my rather ambitious resolution for the new year.  It wasn’t the usual litany of losing weight, going to the gym more, or any other pedestrian reform.  No, mine was a year-long project to get organized and scrub my house from top to bottom – every floor, every room, every closet, every cabinet.  No corner would be overlooked in my frenzy.  I was determined to create a completely dust-free, clutter-free home.  The goal I had set for myself was to simply be able to enjoy the Christmas holiday season when it rolls around again (which I’ve come to realize, happens at the same time every year – so why does it always come as such a surprise?).  Continue reading →

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June 12, 2012 · 8:31 am

I’m Stuck In An AOL Time Warp And I Don’t Care!

YES!  I admit it…I still have an AOL email address.  I get.  I’m a loser.  Now, leave me alone and stop snickering when I’m asked for it from various stores.  I’m usually torn about giving it.  In fact, way back when, I used to think, “No way am I giving you my personal, private email address.”  But, then I realized that, by refusing that method of communication, I was telling them I’d prefer to talk to them on the phone.  I figured out fast enough that was NOT what I preferred.  Plus, when stores ask for my email, it’s so I can get coupons and discounts.  Print them out at home.  At my leisure.  I’ve never been one to clip coupons from the newspaper.  Not because I haven’t tried.  But, it became so much work and I never had them with me when I needed them.  And, I’m pretty sure the rare times I remembered to bring them,  I could hear every person in line behind me sighing as I’d open my handy coupon holder to extract necessary clipped savings, only to be told that the item I plucked from the shelf was not the right size or brand or, showing me the small print, that I needed to buy six of them to get the seventh half-off. 

What I do like, though, is extra savings to be had from stores like Kohl’s, JC Penney, Barnes and Noble, Harry and David, Famous Footwear, etc.  So, yes, when asked, I quietly whisper my lame AOL email address.  I whisper, not because I care about the looks of disdain from the cool high school/college aged cashiers, but because my kids are horrified that I would just blurt it out without any care to their emotional well-being.   I mean, there may be people they know lurking about.  They have begged me for years to get a g-mail account.  To get with the times.  It’s not the nineties anymore, for God’s sake.  “I’ll set it up for you, Mom.  It’s easy.  It doesn’t cost anything.  Can’t you ever think of anyone besides yourself?”   But, I feel like I everyone I know has my AOL address (and as far as I know, have not “unfriended” me on Facebook or shunned me in public).  It just seems like such a hassle to change it.  And, besides, I have a feeling that AOL will make a comeback.   And THEN who will be the cool one, hmmmm??  I can see their eyes rolling.

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May 25, 2012 · 11:44 am

Survival Of The Fittest…Or Why I’m An Indoorsy Person

What the heck is going on with Mother Nature these days?  Within the last six months, I’ve been inundated with tales of horror that used to only be the stuff of “Animals Gone Wild” on Animal Planet.  Regular readers of this site may recall the post, Close Encounters Of The Rabid Kind, (published 10/23/2011) in which my son, Mike, related his terrifying experience with a rabid bat along the Gold Coast of Chicago.  In that blog, I shared Mike’s history of scary animal moments dating back many years to his first up-close and personal hissing by a goose,  when, one day, I thought it would be nice to bring my young children for a walk along the Fox River and feed the ducks.  And it was, until the geese began to follow us, demanding the bread we’d brought for the friendly ducks.  Warning my children to ignore the geese and walk away from them, one boldly walked right up to Mike, stretched his long neck until he was very nearly at face level and hauled off with the scariest hiss I’d ever heard.  Poor Mike – you regulars know that that has become Mike’s name because of my penchant for signing him up for every possible sport, camp, music lesson, and scouting (for which my husband and I will never be forgiven) and wouldn’t let him quit anything because, ‘You don’t want to be a quitter’, which was all Mike desperately wanted.  But I digress…  Anyway, Poor Mike was indeed scarred from that experience.  Continue reading →

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May 17, 2012 · 11:41 am

Jeepers, Creepers…Or Why I Joined Facebook

I decided to join Facebook for two reasons.  First, I wanted to have a link to my third son as he left for college.  Funny, I didn’t feel the need for the older ones…  The decision to send him to the University of Iowa to study music was a difficult one.  We were between Iowa and Illinois and, to be honest, every time we’d make a “pros” and “cons” list for the schools, Illinois always came out as the obvious, prudent  choice.  But, we sensed Peter was leaning towards Iowa and when he would tell us that he thought Illinois was the one, we knew it was because he was thinking more of our finances, which, hello….should be considered…than his true desire.  It was only when my husband said, “Peter, if money was absolutely  no object, where would you like to go?”  (these words spilled out of his mouth before I had time to fly across the room and kill him),  that he said “Iowa”.  So, the decision was made.  Our two older sons had attended and have since graduated from the University of Iowa, so we were well-acquainted with Iowa City and the Hawkeyes.  Our car could drive there on its own (and sometimes, I think it did).  But, Pete was studying music, and you can’t just transfer Universities if you’re in a music school.  So, the decision seemed permanent.  Of course, with that kind of unease, I thought I needed a little reassurance that he was happy and thriving at his new school. Continue reading →

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March 28, 2012 · 8:16 am

Deceptive Packaging, Fuzzy Math

 

             Question:  Are my BWB partner and myself the only human beings on earth who pay the absolute highest amount possible for any item at any given time?  Even when said item is supposedly on sale?  It doesn’t seem possible that it is simply our imaginations.  During innocent conversations with other people who occasionally hit on the hot-button topics of cell phone packages and cable packages, we are routinely reminded of what chumps we are.  And we’re too embarrassed to admit that we’re such losers.

Well, I, for one, have had enough.  I’m sick and tired of paying exorbitant amounts of money for things that everyone else is practically receiving salaries from these companies for the same, or often, less services.  What is that all about?  No wonder we’re broke.  I’ve felt this way for a long time and now I finally have an outlet to vent my rage (and confusion).  No more embarrassment about not understanding the circuitous explanations of these packages.  That’s right – WE’RE MAD AS HELL AND WE’RE NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!  Wow, that felt pretty good.

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